About productivity & achievements

I just opened LinkedIn and saw five new job announcements without even properly scrolling. For a second, I went right back into “achievement mode” – thankfully, it only took a couple of seconds to snap out of it again. It got me thinking. These past two months, I haven’t reached any milestone. I haven’t done anything significant on paper. I haven’t done anything I would’ve considered productive half a year ago. Quite honestly, back then I would’ve felt like the worst failure on the planet after two months like this.

Yet, I’m proud of everything that happened. I’ve been working. Just not in the classic meaning of the word. These past two months, I’ve been working on myself. I’ve been working on resolving issues my future self, whatever she might be tackling, will thank me for. I’ve been working on creating healthy habits that make me feel better and more whole. I’ve been working on being nice to my brain, my body, my whole self.

I’ve spent weeks on end alone, in a new country with a language I barely speak. Still, I met a lot of kind people – but even more of my demons, which are especially loud when it’s quiet around you. Instead of pushing them back down, I sat with them. I listened. And I decided to not let them consume me anymore.

I sat through the bad days, knowing that it’s all part of the process and really, how would we be able to enjoy the good days if it weren’t for the bad? I went to hypnosis therapy, cried a lot and felt a lot lighter after. I danced like nobody was watching for the first time – probably ever – and felt like I had found a new secret to living lightly and joyfully. While the perfectionist and people pleaser inside me was shouting not to share my writing and thoughts, because it wasn’t good enough, I did it anyway.

Step by step, one day after the other, I tried to rewire my brain from “I’m not good enough for anything” and “I don’t deserve love unless I am perfect” to “I have things to say and I will not apologize for it” and “I am enough, just the way I am”. It’s an ongoing process but I’m incredibly proud of the my progress.

I started liking myself more, being kinder to myself. I spoke up, said no and set boundaries more easily than ever before. I started moving every morning – slowly and only for a bit, until I was ready to do more. I read a lot and wrote a little, started painting and experimenting with all things creative. I spent more time on gardening and my plants again. Or just sitting in the sun, breathing. Just enjoying life, really.

So no, I haven’t reached anything significant on paper recently. But everything that happened was deeply significant to me. I can feel it. And I’m pretty sure when senior Kathi will look back on her life, she won’t remember the news paper articles – well, maybe those too – but the time when she started to realize that all that she is is more than enough.